Sunday, November 6, 2005

Jeff's Novel-Cleansing Machine

Jeff’s Novel-Enhancing Products now offers, JEFF’S NOVEL-CLEANSING MACHINE.
The Watch Your Mouth Institute offered Jeff’s Novel-Enhancing Products a big bunch of money to design a product that makes any novel you purchase squeaky clean and pure as the driven snow!

How many times have you picked up a novel expecting a sweet, happy story, only to find it chock full of “dirty, potty-mouth words”, and naughty scenes between men and women that are better left behind a locked bedroom door with twin beds?
Relax, because now JNEP is bringing you, Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine.
Simply attach any novel to the specially designed spindles, and Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine does the rest by recognizing and replacing all offending words or scenes.
The magic spindles are adjustable for hardcover as well as paperback books.

Representatives of WYMI remained on site 24/7 during every phase of development of Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine, feeling free to make any necessary self-righteous demands.
“This is a bold and glorious step backwards,” says Mrs. Stern, spokesperson for WYMI. “We’re hoping to see Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine made mandatory in all schools and libraries. It’s time we got back to the good old days of controlling what people read and how they think.”
Jeff questioned Mrs. Stern about the obvious infringement of the right of free speech with use of this product. Her reply, “I don’t care. People who think differently than we do here at WYMI are simply wrong. End of discussion.”

Here are some examples of how this marvel of morality works:

The naughty F- word is instantly recognized and changed to “having relations.”
The appalling Sh-t word changes to “stool”

Likewise, A-- is converted to “rectal area.”

And of course, the blasphemous uttering of GD is switched to “God’s blessing.”

H-LL replaced with “heaven”

Here is a sample passage from a recent novel after being spun through Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine:

Tony felt like stool. He was not used to dragging his rectal area home at dawn. The scene in the casino the night before was nothing more than a God’s blessing joke. All he wanted was to get inside, swallow a few aspirin, and fall into bed. The dull throbbing in his head was just a prelude to the hangover heaven that was coming.
Fumbling for his house key, Tony failed to notice the huge shadowy figure slipping up behind him on the porch until it was too late, and he felt the cold steel of the barrel against the back of his neck.
“Don’t move rectal area hole,” the man growled, “or I’ll blow your God’s blessing head off.”
“Oh no,” Tony groaned. He knew that voice. It belonged to Crusher, one of Vince’s goons, a real bad-rectal area. Crusher was a huge man with dark, greasy hair, a bulldog face, and spiked yellow teeth. A long jagged scar stretched his thick upper lip into a permanent snarl.
“Vince don’t take to you having relations with him,” Crusher hissed into Tony’s ear. Tony could smell his breath, a mixture of scotch and garlic. “See, Vince is a nice guy, and he ain’t got time to waste on little stools like you who don’t wanna pay back his relations money.”
“I’ll get the money,” Tony said, his heart hammering. He knew Crusher was crazy as heaven, and wouldn’t hesitate to pull the God’s blessing trigger, or at the very least use his giant hand to mash his head like a relations grapefruit. “Okay, okay, I’ll get the money tomorrow.”
“See that you do,” Crusher hissed again, “or there’ll be heaven to pay. Now, don’t turn around, and keep your relations hands where I can see em.”
Tony felt the barrel move away from his neck. And just as quickly as he appeared, Crusher was gone. Tony stepped inside his house, locked the door and sighed with relief.
“Stool,” he muttered, “ I gotta find some relations money real quick.”


Doesn’t that read so much cleaner and easier?

Some early praise for Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine:

Bessie, from Georgia writes, “ Before Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine, almost every novel my husband read gave him naughty ideas. Why, just the other night, after reading an un-cleansed novel, he came to bed acting like a heathen! I shudder at the memory. He started grabbing my womanly parts, and before I could say diddly doo, I found myself pinned down by him, and I tell you, I laid there in stiff, stark terror for the full two minutes while Hubert did his business! Now with Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine, those impure thoughts have been removed, and we can return to our normal relations-free marriage.”

Scary story, but a happy ending!

Clifford, from Michigan says, “ Like many others, I have to read out loud to get the full understanding of what I am reading. Needless to say, I was getting pretty fed up with trying to read a good novel while on a bus or in a waiting room, only to have mother’s scowl and cover their children’s ears, or suffer the embarrassment of being assaulted by little old ladies with umbrella’s. Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine has changed all that. Now I’m not afraid to read anywhere, anytime!”

Don’t spend your days in puritanical fury! Get Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine for the ridiculously low price of $5,000. You read it right, only $5,000.

And, if you call now, WYMI will send you absolutely FREE a one year subscription to their “Right is Right” magazine. Inside, you will find such articles as, "How To Organize And Host Your Very Own Book Burning Party!"

Don’t wait . . .call now . . .1-800 Say-What
That's 1-800-Say-What

Visa and Mastercard are accepted if you are not already over your limit.

The operators are tired, but still standing by 24/7.

And . . . If you’re not completely satisfied with Jeff’s Novel-Cleansing Machine, we say, “tough stool, you bought it, you keep it.”

*** This product and the views expressed are NOT those of JNEP. But we’re damn near broke and need the money.

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