Sunday, November 27, 2005

Jeff's Novel-Hawking Personnel

Are you tired of searching for an agent that is “just right for you?” Is spending countless hours sitting near the phone waiting for it to ring with good news driving you nuts? Do you worry that your agent has your manuscript sitting on the back burner?
If so, then it’s time you considered hiring one of JEFF’S NOVEL-HAWKING PERSONNEL.
Yes, that’s right, JEFF’S NOVEL-HAWKING PERSONNEL are individuals who have undergone an intensive three-hour course designed to equip them with the essential skills required to HAWK YOUR NOVEL!
Our team of shameless energetic shakers and movers are more than willing to prostitute themselves solely for your personal benefit.
Too many writers spend their time in restless agony wondering what, if any, progress is being made toward publication of their work. We say, enough already!

Let’s hear from Robbie, one of our first and most sought after graduates.

“I was able to successfully hawk my first novel less than two weeks after graduation. With my clients manuscript in hand, I simply parked myself outside the entrance of a major publishing house and refused to move until I was granted a hearing with the person in charge. The first hearing I received came before the local judge on charges of loitering and being a public nuisance. I beat that rap. It’s a free country, after all. Undaunted, I disguised myself as one of the janitorial staff and easily made my way into the office of the chief executive with my clients manuscript hidden skillfully under my mop bucket. After locking the door behind me and disabling all outside communication, I broke into a continual refrain of, “Follow The Yellow Brick Road,” until the stunned and weary man agreed to read the manuscript and sign on the dotted line if I promised to shut up. I owe it all to JEFF’S NOVEL-HAWKING CLASS."

Cassandra, another model employee of JNEP gave up a successful lap dancing career to come on board. “She is a tremendous asset to our company,” says Jeff. “She literally dances circles around the competition.”

Trained in various techniques (some of which fall within the confines of the law) our hawker’s know how to have potential buyers eating out of their hand.

We represent ALL genres.


For a small extra fee, we have thousands of undergraduate trainees who will eagerly promote your published novel in the following ways:

1. Infiltrate publishing houses to make sure the number of copies promised are the actual number printed.

2. On sight supervision of loading and unloading the boxes containing your novel.

3. Be available in all major bookstores to make sure your novel is moved from the storeroom to the front of the display rack featuring new releases and whenever possible, removing a couple of books from the New York Times ten best sellers rack and replacing them with yours. What’s it gonna hurt?

A writer should be working on their next masterpiece and not worrying and fretting over the ups and downs of the often unpredictable and frustrating publishing business.

Don’t wait! Put us to work for you!

The minute we receive your initial $10,000 deposit, our hawker’s will be out the door and pounding the pavement. And not a penny of that money will be spent until you have a valid contract in hand or twenty-four hours pass, whichever comes first. The remaining $10,000 may be split up in four easy payments of $2,500.

Call now . . . 1- 800 - THE - HAWK ---- That’s 1- 800 - THE - HAWK

Operators are standing by.

Our satisfaction is guaranteed.

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